


LYRIC PROMPTS: The fear of falling apart

by LiterallyAmazingPhan



Series: A collection of word/lyric phan prompts [9]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Drabble, Kinda?, M/M, Phan Angst, Phan Fluff, Phanfiction, Poetic, lyric prompts, phanfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 00:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5948395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiterallyAmazingPhan/pseuds/LiterallyAmazingPhan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part of my series of drabbles based on word/lyric prompts:</p><p>“At first, it was all message-based. To anyone else it would make no sense.<br/>It would make no sense at all to see Dan pacing his room holding on to his phone, heart beating way too fast after a particularly flirty text sent to Phil. His nerves made him hesitate and every little interaction seemed increasingly risky. He knew nothing of how the other boy actually felt, how serious he was about it all. The back and forth messaging was easy, effortless. The casual flirting that set both their hearts on overdrive seemed simple as well, natural. There was no need to pretend. They could just express themselves, despite the distance that held them captive in their own homes.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	LYRIC PROMPTS: The fear of falling apart

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my tumblr blog as a part of the lyric/word prompt challenge. Hope you like it!

At first, it was all message-based. To anyone else it would make no sense.

It would make no sense at all to see Dan pacing his room holding on to his phone, heart beating way too fast after a particularly flirty text sent to Phil. His nerves made him hesitate and every little interaction seemed increasingly risky. He knew nothing of how the other boy actually felt, how serious he was about it all. The back and forth messaging was easy, effortless. The casual flirting that set both their hearts on overdrive seemed simple as well, natural. There was no need to pretend. They could just express themselves, despite the distance that held them captive in their own homes.

Phil couldn’t see the big smile on Dan’s face as he replied accordingly to one of his risky jokes, setting his face aflame. Dan, on the other hand, couldn’t see that while he internally screamed at Phil’s cheeky response, there his friend was on the other end of the line, also holding on tightly to his phone and filled with nerves. It made no sense to people who had never experienced it, but it felt more real than anything else in their lives at the moment.

For anyone besides them it would seem easy, straightforward. They knew nothing of the scary feeling in their stomachs, the thought that it was too much too soon running through their heads. The constant insecurity: too far, too impossible, _too good_. It made literally no sense to anyone but them, the ones who felt that pull deep inside, hearts skipping a beat as they kept going, seeing where falling would eventually lead them to.

Because that’s what it felt like: free-falling, watching the lights fly by as you leap out of a plane. Arms held open to the world below, a scream of equal parts fright and admiration leaves your lips, unbidden. Sometimes falling for him felt like the agonizing seconds before the parachute finally opened, when all he could do was feel everything heightened to insurmountable degrees. That sudden rush as feelings crashed into him and he forgot how to breathe.

Nothing could have prepared them to stare into each other’s eyes for the first time in real life. No one had warned them about how incredible it would feel to finally hold each other after longing for it during countless hours of skype calls. There was no forewarning about how it would feel when they finally kissed at the top of the Manchester eye, adrenaline coursing through their veins. It was at that time that Dan bravely stated for the very first time how he felt with the sudden gesture and Phil was finally sure it wasn’t just wishful thinking. The kiss was nothing but sweet, carrying all the little things they previously said and all the little moments they had shared from so far away.

It was only one of the many plunges they took for love. Visiting Phil was impressive enough to manage, but doing so when his parents weren’t home sounded even more heavenly, as they giggled together in the far hours of the night. Recording together was scary in so many ways, but also pleasurable. Dan’s literal fall, Phil’s weight pressing him to the ground after an enthusiastic tackle hug as they laughed at their own silliness, didn’t seem scary at all for the first time in his life. Falling for Phil seemed so familiar and easy now, Dan just pulled him down for a kiss, hands grabbing onto the collar of his shirt.

They knew the feeling well, in a certain sense. Dan knew he had felt love before and it wasn’t something new. He knew he was falling for the boy and it was never that intense, that fast. It was scary not knowing if it was the same for the boy on the other end of the call, with his easy smile and shiny eyes. The insecurity was there, despite Phil’s words, despite the way his laugh sounded easier, softer whenever they held eye contact. He wondered: _Are you falling too? Or am I going to hit the ground?_ _Is a crash waiting at the end this?_ No answer.

It was all subtle, the little changes. The flirtatious fun soon enough was growing into something more. The distance might have still kept them apart physically, but it only fueled their feelings all the more. An unspoken question was there, in every too-long skype call they shared. Whenever they held eye contact for long enough, each wondered in their own little corner if the progression of their feelings were the same. _Would you fall with me?_ they wondered, silently, holding on to hope that maybe this could work after all. Maybe, just maybe, they would fall together seamlessly.

It happened, eventually. The opportunity presented itself with no warning, and they grabbed it. As quickly as their feelings blossomed, as surprising as pretty much everything else they’ve ever done, Dan and Phil moved in together. They fell together perfectly like puzzle pieces, clinging to each other through it all. Falling seemed effortless now and they doubted why they were ever afraid at all. It was all there, no question anymore whether the other felt the same. It was fulfilling to reach out and touch, to grab, to pull, and beg without words for more and more. Closer and closer as the wind rushed all around them, the boys kept falling and falling and never seemed to reach the harsh unforgiving ground of reality.

It never occurred to them that things could change, though. They never accounted for that apprehension, new and ugly: the fear of falling apart,  of giving away too much. The fear of, lost in the constant need to shield each other from the brunt of the fall, they would actually hurt and bleed, break themselves into tiny little pieces. It was an unspoken hesitation, instinctive, and yet so dominant it couldn’t be ignored any longer.

Given time, it turned everything stale, heavy. Gone was that light feeling, the gentle wind ruffling their clothing. It was too much, too soon, too fast and they knew it. The whole thing was doomed from the start, they realized in hindsight when things started to turn sour. Suddenly, they were not falling together. They were tearing each other apart, half-strangled yells of aggravation and frantic pulling on the fabric of each other’s shirts, a feeble distraction amongst the sound of all they held dear crashing and burning all around.

Gravity stopped pulling them down together. A stronger force now seemed to repel them, to drive them apart. Be it the pressure or the public eye. Be it any of the countless little reasons, the excuses they told themselves to feel better, there was no denying that they would hit the ground soon. They were perfectly aware that, whenever they crashed, it would be separately in complete isolation. They would tear each other apart, bit by bit, and would be whole no longer.

And crash they did. The distance increased and their eyes silently enquired if the other had also hit the ground, hit their limit. They wondered if they could see the cracks of what used to be, shattered beyond belief. Everything seemed to glaringly show that it was all over: the feeling was gone. It was _gone_ and they didn’t know if there was a way to fix it anymore and glue themselves back together.

Life is funny like that. It was precisely the fear of falling apart that made them hesitate and caused the whole mess. It was the hiding, the sneaking around, all that made them feel the thrill of adrenaline thrum through their veins at first which caused their ultimate downfall. Heartbroken, defeated, they kept pretending nothing happened. The experience couldn’t be erased, couldn’t be forgotten. But if they ignored it, maybe the ghost pains of the injuries left behind would fade overtime. _Maybe they were doomed to fall apart all along, weren’t they? That had to be it,_ they rationalized.

It’s even funnier that it was fear that brought them together once more. It was fear of never feeling it again after some meaningless attempts at regaining the sensations once lost. They were stronger together, feeding off of each other’s energy. It wasn’t surprising when Phil finally reached out and grabbed Dan’s hand one day, smiling unsurely at him until he smiled back. It didn’t feel unnatural or forced at all to give it a second try. Somewhere within, the remnants of the feelings once shattered by the fall still lay, and after so long, these pieces still made it feel like nothing had actually changed at all.

Even after falling apart in their own little ways, they found their way back to each other. They were finally where they belonged, as they fell together again, still the old perfect fit of two puzzle pieces, and started their slow descent into togetherness yet again. No longer afraid, they would now face it head on. Falling didn’t sound so scary when you didn’t have to face it alone, after all.


End file.
